Thursday, October 01, 2015

I'm Pulling My Hair Out. Literally.

Have you ever wondered why my hair looks like it does? And I don't mean blonde (Garnier Nutrisse, number 98, if you must know), or straight (flat iron turned WAY up every day). I mean, why do I have uneven hair in some places and why do I wear a strategically placed hair clip most of the time?

Well, there's this thing that I do. It has a name and it's pretty weird. It's called Trichotillomania and it is classified as a Body Focused Repetitive Behaviour (BFRB).

There, I said it. It's out and I can't take it back. This post is definitely the hardest I've ever written; even harder than when my Dad died and I wrote my heart out. That was easy, the words just flowed. I've been contemplating “coming out” with this post for a long time – years even. I have just been so afraid of what people's reactions might be and the questions I might be asked. I have no answers. 

So why fess up now? October 1st-7th is BFRB awareness week and I thought it was time to come clean and to maybe inspire anyone else who is suffering with this to talk about it.  Heck, even some VERY well known celebs have been diagnosed with trichotillomania (I'm looking at you, JT. I KNEW we were soulmates...).

I remember when my Trich (as they call it...) started. It was in university and I began by seeking out hairs with split ends. It progressed from there. It comes and goes and I do it more when I am stressed. I have gone through periods where I have had bald spots underneath my hair and I have had periods where I don't pull anything out for months and months. Right now it's probably the worst it's ever been and I'm so embarrassed by it. I've had a pretty stressful year with big changes and my hair pulling is directly related to the stress level in my life.

So why don't I stop, you ask? I wish I knew. It's not as simple as just stopping cold turkey. Why do people bite their nails, smoke cigarettes, or partake in other “bad habits”? The human brain is a complex machine and there really is no explanation for why I do this and why I can't stop. Trust me, my immediate family (who are the ONLY ones that know about this) nag and nag and nag and nag me to stop, but it doesn't work. Most of the time I'm not even aware that I'm doing it.

To all of those I've lied to about my hair when you've asked, I'm sorry. No, it wasn't from my flat iron or because I've coloured it too many times. This is why. You have no idea how difficult it has been for me to cover this up and most of all to find a hairdresser that understands. I hope that the wonderful Susana never stops cutting hair because I may just become Lady Godiva if she does. She gets it, she doesn't judge me AND she's a freakin' miracle worker when it comes to my hair.

So there you have it. I'm flawed in many ways, and this is a big one. We all are, I suppose. 

I'd like to ask that you please don't talk to me about this or ask any questions, just show your support by understanding my flaw and knowing how difficult this was for me. Thank you :)